There is no professional athlete afflicted with greater inner conflict than Chicago Cub outfielder Angel Pagan. The son of famed Menudo also ran Nefty Sallaberry, Pagan fled his native Puerto Rico at the age of 14 to escape following in the family business.
Despite an incessant cocaine and alcohol addiction that plagued him into early adulthood, Pagan put himself through both Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University and Harvard, earning a solid 2.0 GPA. While at Harvard, he met his future wife, a pot smoking librarian who taught Angel how to read.
Angel Pagan is described by his teammates as a “tormented soul”. He is a selfless hedonist who beds Chicago area waitresses by the score, but generously sticks around in the morning to play “Uncle” to their kids. He never misses a birthday despite none of the children being his.
A card carrying member of both the ACLU and the Heritage Foundation, his politics are as indecipherable as Rudy Giuliani’s stance on abortion. A self described “compassionate conservative”, Pagan holds many eccentric views that defy logic in a reality based world.
He believes peace can only be achieved through endless war, our dependence on foreign oil can only be curbed by further indulging our addiction and the key to educating our children is to abolish public schools. He also opposes the use of torture in all forms, yet TiVo’s Nancy Grace every night.
Pagan sees the world in absolutes, and sometimes nuanced shades of gray. He is a devout agnostic who devotes his off seasons to missionary work in secular countries. He enjoys listening to Nine Inch Nails and positive life radio. He is a strong advocate for children, and has made significant financial contributions to the Michael Jackson legal defense fund.
On the ball field, Pagan is most notorious for his suspected gambling ties. Last season, local sports writers accused Angel of intentionally misplaying balls in the outfield to aide the Anaheim Angels to victory against the hometown Cubs. It is an allegation Pagan both acknowledges and denies, vociferously.
So just who is the real Angel Pagan? Is he is schizophrenic simpleton with an annoying smirk, or sophisticated Harvard grad pulling the wool over our eyes? To many he is a walking oxymoron incapable of chewing gum and completing a declarative sentence at the same time. But to his insulated inner circle of paid loyalists, Pagan is a myopic visionary who sought to end a brutal Menudo regime and bring freedom to his homeland.
Ultimately, history will be the judge for this fourth outfielder with a lifetime .244 batting average. Only time will tell if Pagan was merely a bad ballplayer, or quite possibly the worst to ever step foot on a baseball diamond.
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He seems to be an interesting character!
Very interesting reading. I don’t know who the guy is since I don’t follow baseball, but I sure feel like I got to know him through your writing. Very effective.
Which guy are we talking about here? The one with the word Pagan on his shirt?! I read this to the tune of the old song “Devil or Angel.”
Brilliant. I see some already don’t get it.
LMAO! This is freakin’ brilliant. As a former Chicago native and Northsider this resonants quite soundly with me.
Confusing. Hilarious. Well written. And you got Menudo in there, too.
Whoa.
I am still laughing! What a great post (as always).
Very well-written and interesting look at Pagan. I’d never heard of him before.
Really interesting read!! I don’t know much about the Cubbies, so I am not familiar with him.
And by the way - the schizophrenic simpleton with an annoying smirk in that photo is BUSH…
Hee hee… I get it… too clever…