Pleated Pants: Worse than Adultery?
May the pleated bulge be with you!
Fellas, this is why we should let our wives do all our shopping for us. It seems, purchasing a pair of pleated pants is a high fashion crime and misdemeanor, punishable by endless ridicule and expletive fueled spousal rage. It is a verbal dressing down that can only be appeased by hauling our demoralized depantsed asses, with tail firmly tucked, back to Macy’s to demand a refund of the $65 pants we got on clearance for nine bucks.
How am I supposed to know pleated pants are part of the apparel axis of evil, along with Cosby sweaters, mustard yellow velour sweatsuits and cabana wear. All three look great on Jerry Stiller. Guys get married so we have someone to know these things for us. I am the practical sort. I see a problem and I address it in the most frugal and time efficient manner possible.
Lately, I have been wearing out the crotch on my work pants. It is one of the occupational hazards of working the pole for coffee money in my off hours. “Lizzy Urban” can earn two 24 ounce triple lattes and a pastry for every dance. Yes, I get paid in coffee and cab fare. It makes me feel less dirty.
Acknowledging my depleted stock of suitable work pants, I sought to rectify the manner with an ever brief express checkout at Macy’s. I find any shopping trip that exceeds ten minutes often result in cramping, nose bleeds and the reemergence of kidney stones. So, imagine my expedient delight when I spotted a pair of stylish enough Italian pants marked down to practically nothing with minutes to spare. Quick and cheap, just how I like my commerce.
My inflatable pleated joy was stolen from me once I modeled my new pants tent for Mrs. Urban. She asked if I also purchased a puffy shirt to complete my Halloween pirate outfit. I love you too, honey. I knew I took a vow to always keep it in my pants, but I had no idea the nuptial small print specified what pants I was prohibited from keeping it in.
Let that be a lesson for all three of my male readers. Next time you wear out the crotch of your pants working the pole for coffee and cab fare — an all too common occurrence in our current economic climate — just go pantsless. It beats fighting the battle of the pants bulge. Eventually, the wife will just buy you a new pair to save themselves from the embarrassment. Best of all, you avoid ever having to shop again.
Pleated pants are just SO UNACCEPTABLE. I am with the Mrs. Urban on this one….
You probably forgot that part in the ketubah that says “And yea verily shall the wife choose the husband’s clothes under penalty of unfornication” Since ketubahs are usually in Aramaic, I suppose Mrs. Urban can give you a pass.
Thankfully my boyfriend probably doesn’t even know pleated pants exist!
Unfornication does not sound good for me. I didn’t know it could be undone. Does it involve any kind of surgery?
I am such a Jew in name only (JINO?), I had to google the term ketubah. I am such a shonda!
I made such a mistake last spring when I had to buy a suit. I let the (supposedly) knowledgable staff at Nordstroms recommend a suit and was very pleased with it until Mrs. Figby saw the pleated pants when I removed the jacket.
Going pantless is always a good choice.
Oh my golly. You had me smiling all throughout reading your article. It’s soooo funny. =)
Somehow I suspect the tale is not wholly in the pants. But… This is always a snorting-coffee stop.
Okay when’s the next show? I have at least five singles in my bag.
Ahoooooogah!
Frances
So true - plus, by buying my husband’s clothes I can also eliminate the whole “I’ll return that for you” stuff.
Working the pole -I’ve heard it’s also good for the abs.
Crafty Green Poet: Neither was I, or Harry. Just be sure to save the receipts.
Harry: I should have remembered your suit story. Though I doubt it would have helped. I had no idea they were pleated until Mrs. Urban made it clear to me they were in no uncertain terms.
ther: Thanks. My pleats will look nice on me next year when I’m only allowed to mow my lawn in them.
Tumblewords: I may have exaggerated Mrs. Urban’s reaction for dramatic effect.
Frances: Loose pocket change will suffice. I have worse moves than Napoleon Dynamite
AB: I prefer Tae Bo for my ab work. Billy Bragg is an excellent instructor.
who knew??? certainly not me……
You broke the tenth commandment. How could you?
ugh, they are as bad as white socks…..well, maybe not that bad!
Nice one, again, oh most hilarious mr herb.
Paisley: I’m with you. I hadn’t a clue. Why do wives take our wardrobe so serious?
Gautami: Being a good Jewish boy, I had to Google The Ten Commandments. My Rabbi would be so proud.
Jo: What is wrong with white socks? The other day, I wore black pants with white socks and brown shoes. How have I avoided being on What Not To Wear? I need a fashion intervention.
Fun post!
I guess those are the ones on the GAP adds where everyone is whispering at the guy - “nice pants.”
I’m thinking that if you’re pantless, you’ll hurt your pole on the pole. I’m just saying…
BTW the “Cosby Sweaters” are Coogis (the brand) and fetch a pretty penny!
Don: I think those are Starbuck lifestyle khakis.
MP: I have a closet full of knockoff Cosby sweaters back in my mom’s house. A) Are they worth anything? B) Are the knockoffs called Cootis?
Herb, in answer to your questions:
A) Maybe at a garage sale and,
B)If you wear them while pantless I think they’re called Coochis.
Oh dear, white socks are quite an offense in Jo-speak. Better watch your back there Herb.
I think your pleated pants would be fine - as long as you pair them with one of those tuxedo shirts - they came out at about the same time!
The puffy shirt? The Cosby sweater? Jerry Stiller? Love those references. From now on, let the wife buy the pants in the family.
I vote for pantless depending on what kind of underwear shopper you are. there are underwear offenses too.
My motto: Flat front only! I think they should just stop making pleated pants and they do not look any better on women either.
pleated pants! you have TWO wives for goodness sake!!!! you shoudl know better. Mortimer’s Dad has been banned from the pleats since 2000. We were only dating then, but really, we would have never walked down the aisle otherwise.
MM: You were on vacation, and Mrs. Urban had Mother Urban to entertain. Clearly, that was not the time for me to go shopping. I’ve been told I can wear them as either pajamas when Mrs. Urban out of town on business, or to shovel the driveway in the winter, provided they are under a snowsuit. How am I to know these things?
MP: Thanks for the info
Robin: How about a piano tie to complete the look?
patois: That won’t be an issue from now on. I’m doing all my shopping online.
Kimberley: Are plaid boxers offensive? They match my bowling shoes.
Lisa: They should, or at least be clearly marked so I know what I’m buying. The dude who sold them to me was probably snickering under this breath.
*GRIN* *LAUGH* *TEARS*
Well, Herb . . . relieved to know boxers are you under garment choice. I’m ok with the bowling shoes as long as you wear some kind of offensive t-shirt too. No outfit is complete without an offensive t-shirt.
Another unfortunate item of clothing which should top the axis of evil list, are tight lycra swimwear for men. The type of swimwear that really leaves nothing to the imagination. As seen in most post-Soviet eastern block countries by be-mulleted men. Be still my racing heart, be dry my sweaty palms.
A bunch of comments by the fashion challenged. Some look good in pleats, others in flat front. It all depends on the body type. Pleats are usually found in higher end European suits. Flat front tends to be a more American look.