Dr. Phil cures Herb of his mean spirited blogging streak
Ever since minor internet celebrity status was bequeathed on me, thanks to Dane Cook and some guy named Tom befriending me on MySpace, the selfless codependent enabler of media whoredom Dr. Phil has inspired me to kick my seven highly successful habits of people who do not need his help to the curb.
Watching the good doctor work his magic on Britney, Bill O’Reilly and Amy Winehouse, despite numerous restraining orders, was an epiphany. The man has a pathological need to help famous people during sweeps. Non consensual televised interventions should earn him sainthood, or a day time Emmy.
Under Dr. Phil’s watchful magnanimous eye, my blogging era of personal destruction has ended. My purpose driven blog has no reason to bait the irrationally hormonal online fans of watered down rockers Rick Springfield and Jack Wagner with embellished concert reviews. Instead, I shall redirect my satirical scorn toward celebs with no fanbase such as Anthony Geary, or inanimate objects like Cher. I can unleash my hostility without leaving a trail of hurt feelings. It is what Carl Jung would call in clinical terms a “win win”.
The Made for TV doctor has taught me outward expressions of blogged inner awareness are like words without action spoken in a foreign tongue of a forked heart. After five minutes of listening to his folksy non sequiturs on tape, I saw the light. There will be no more mean spirited missives directed at surgically altered soap stars. From now on, I will adhere to John Oates’ original vision of this blog and post nothing but uplifting human interest stories full of sweetness and light, with all the sincerity of a Clinton on the campaign trail.
Thank you, Dr. Phil for teaching me that hurting you is hurting me. I can almost forgive you for plagiarizing that homespun peril from Steve Earle. Dude, do you have any original material, or do just pilfer speeches from Ross Perot’s insane 1992 Presidential campaign? You are nothing but a big bald fraud with a mail order doctorate in bullshit. Screw you and the mustache ride you rode in on. This is my blog. If I want to shoplift and blog in a British accent sans panties, well you can just bugger off, bloke!
Is Dr. Drew Pinksy accepting new web clients?
Back off of Anthony Geary, dude. We wouldn’t have Members Only without him.
I don’t wanna get all Luke-n-Laura-lovin’ psycho on your ass.
If I can’t take Anthony Geary in a fight, then I am less of a man than most. I never understood the Luke and Laura love story. If my memory serves me right, he was less than a gentleman at the outset of that courtship. But I was always more of a Days of our Lives daily viewer.
Herb and Anthony Geary in a fight?? Oooh Is it in jello? With thongs?
Sponsored by CNN and YouTube, or was that the last Republican debate. I think my jello tussle with Luke would be far more civilized, and educational. I’d wrestle Luke and Laura in jello if proceeds went to a good cause, such as helping the Urbans exit Herbsylvania any faster.
The last four sentences are 100% masterful. The remainder are so full of humor they, too, become masterful. Overall, you could be the best candidate for a no-bullshit presidency.
Jesus! I think I just pissed my pants laughing!
“More Advice I Pulled Out Of My Ass”…
ROFL!!!
I love it.
Fabulous post.
But wait…are there actual fans of Rick Springfield and Jack Wagner still in existence?
I can always count on you for a good laugh
That was awesome.
Hi Herb! When Dr. Phil went to the hospital to talk to Britney, my first thought was that it was nice of him to reach out. But then he talked to the press about her afterwards, and that was shitty. Dr. Drew seems like a pretty cool guy, though, from what I know so far.
I know a few rednecks down the road that give better advice than Dr. Phil and they only ask for a can of snuff and a 12 pack for payment. If Dr. Phil walked into my hospital room I’d know for damn sure I had gone crazy- he’s nuts himself.
Herb you’ve surely made it to the Doc’s list for a reward for your bad behaviour or better still an inervention … your cure is nigh … or better still Phil might take some life lessons from you! You’re magic!
Dude, completely unrelated comment to this post. Saw your comment over at someone else’s site with the Jerry Stiller avatar.
I am a member of MyBlogLog but I can’t remember my password. Can you tell I visit my own pad often?
Anyway, I had to tell you I love that avatar! Awesome!
p.s. Dr. Drew rules! Dr. Phil sucks!
They should put Dr. Phil on the television reality show Survivor and make him do commentary on a jungle island. He wouldn’t be let off until the last survivor was chosen. I would imagine there would be an accident about half way through the show and Dr. Phil would be hospitalized because he was bitten by an anaconda or something similar.
Don’t stop being you! I laughed a good belly chuckle at the picture of dr. Phil! This was too funny.
“…outward expressions of blogged inner awareness are like words without action spoken in a foreign tongue of a forked heart.”
Brilliant. AND it makes my head hurt trying to figure it out.
“If I want to shoplift and blog in a British accent sans panties”…
thanks for an image I’ll have a hard time getting out of my head!
So is it a coincidence that three of the stars you’ve mentioned here all got their start on General Hospital, or is there some kind of top secret Herbsylvania conspiracy going on?
*hugs*
*throw Herb a firecracker*
first time reader/commenter…
TESTIFY, MAH BROTHER…
*throws Herb a gideon bible stolen from my local Motel 6*
it’s always abt britney…
Can we send Dr. Phil to Dr. Drew’s Celebrity Rehab? Maybe he will cure Phil’s attention whore tendencies.
i miss cher… you need to do a piece on her and where the hell she is!!!!
ah…i got another shot of your herb-dose that i am slowly getting addicted to, this was
:)
you are doing a fine job of it. i think the mantle always belonged to you.
Listen, I know people who know people, know what I’m saying? One phonecall will see three large Russian thugs with baseball bats turn up on “Dr.” Phil’s doorstep. I know this is a very violent comment, I know and I’m sorry. I just can’t help thinking that someone really should shoot him in the kneecaps.
People can’t help being stupid - Dr. Phil has made a living by bringing their stupidity to our TV screens. Surely that’s just wrong? Surely that mustache is wrong? Didn’t he have to sign some sort of oath, pledging he wouldn’t exploit people? Can someone look into this?
At least Jerry Springer had the decency to make it obvious he was making fun of his so-called guests. Just the sound of Dr. Phil’s voice is enough to make me want a drink, surely that can’t be a good thing…or can it?
This was great!
good stuff