Putting the Fantasy back in Fantasy Baseball
When I am not courageously saving Hanukkah, or fracturing my elbow attempting winter sports, my mind drifts toward the outer fringes of fantasy baseball obsession. It is just not fair. You devote eight months to these guys, from draft day strategy to the stretch drive, clinging to their every AB, admiring their ability to work the count and go the other way, measuring their DIPS, WHIP and K/9 rates. Yet when October rolls around, where are they? They vanish from your pc. They pack up their stats and go home. Now they want to spend time with their families, but what about Mrs. Brett Myers?
Maybe I have designs on sipping lactose free cocoa and discussing next year’s keepers in front of a hot stove during the off-season. The Arizona Fall League is nice, but they are just inexperienced kids with VORP so tender even a closeted culture warrior traditionalist would only think twice before violating their ERA in the training room, and again in the whirlpool, before dropping the loofah and heading for the showers. Moving on.
I stand before the world and declare my full on platonic man crush for Travis Hafner. No player consistently exceeds my pythagorean expectations on a yearly basis like him. Half project, half donkey, he is a masher of mythological portions. The Passion of the Pronk is primal, almost bestial in a way maybe only Ricky “Maddog” Santorum can understand, but Mel Gibson would never condone.
Many a fantasy pick I have burned on leather guys like Dirty Rey Sanchez, or Cleveland steamers like Jhonny Peralta, but when it comes to my love for long balls, no one leaves my rosin bag moistened like Haf. Those bulging biceps, the massive taters, that Jameisan OBP, a unibrow destined for Cooperstown. I want to know what OPS is, and I want Pronk to show me.
Some call me I foolish for wanting to settle down with a designated hitter. My mom always wished I would draft a Doc Gooden. All my friends tell me Hafner is no keeper, that I am just position player hating. That I should play the field with a young, good looking stick that can motor. Maybe I would be better off going steady with future Hall of Fame heartthrob like Grady Sizemore or David Wright. But Pronk just feel right in my bones.
Travis, I know you were my second pick in the draft, but you will always be number one on my scorecard. I only took Phat Albert first to make you jealous. Did it work? Did it, my designated b*tch.
wow herb, I’m disappointed… there were at least 3 more words that could have been links….
I was trying to convey the intrinsic mathematical geekiness of fantasy baseball stats through hyperlinks. It was much easier than typing out the entire quadric equation. I tried, but my slide ruler broke in two. Good thing I have a b-day coming up.
[…] Ha! Take that, nine random strangers I bested in an online game that consumed my every waking moment for eight months! Especially, you “Yahoo Porkswords”. What a jerk! Nice try, if you think you are prying away my Passion of the Pronk for an injured Keith Foulke. Foulke you, buddy! […]
Is Pronk black or white? Please, can I have a definitive answer?
Pronk is three shades of fugly, that much I know. 2008 will go a long in proving whether he was a Roid Warrior. I still believe.
I obviously jinxed the usually reliable Pronk last year. Sorry Travis.
As a UK-ased Tribe fan, I found your blog on google and read a few of your other Tribe posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.